Turd T-Shirt Thursday: Confused Thoughts, Mixed Feelings

With one of the said mentioned on the shirt being in the recent spotlight for obvious reasons, I’m not going to waste my time on that jackass. Sorry, rich jackass. There are no struggles either of them share with me other than their art portraying confused thoughts and mixed feelings as humans.

There are songs from them that pairs well with this post:
Ghost Town – Kanye West, PartyNextDoor
Get It Together – Drake, Black Coffee, Jorja Smith

We all have them. We couldn’t avoid them if we tried. And we’ve tried. Again and again, they come back stronger after being forgotten. Or so we thought. Old ones become new ones, and new ones apparate just as fast. So what do we do? Run from them or face them head-on? Change it or leave it the way it is with just a new coat of paint to hide what happened before it began again.

My life is a simple one. Very comfortable. Very privileged. I am well taken care of beyond the means of an average adult who struggles exponentially more than I do. This could be within the means of monetary status or spirituality.

My heart is immense, putting all of my emotions on my sleeve for all to see. I kept those feelings hidden for a very long time. It was like I was wearing a mask. When I wasn’t happy about something, I’d stay silent and smile through the pain. The pain of being taken advantage of. The pain of lowering my self-esteem and self-value to make someone else happy. The pain that I am now experiencing being alone. It’s a well-needed lesson for me to learn.

Gather all my confused thoughts.

To feel how I feel regularly is appalling. I no longer have the capacity of happiness; how to display it or perform it. Habitual of being overstimulated by the wrong feelings. As a parent, you can pretend to do that with frightening expertise. There may be times when we miss our cues and calls to the stage. Bypass the make-up and wardrobe department. Go overboard at the open bar.

I robotically find purpose and validation within an online platform that has blessed me with endearing relationships with many individuals, constantly bombards me with feelings of inadequacy, and expands my explosive self-hatred to the hundredth power. My profuse weakness toward the arts and openness of the insecurities of humanity via memes have become a dizzying waking nightmare- with windows into the lives of others I don’t desire to have but do.

Having and maintaining an online presence is not for the weak. I have created countless personas over the years because, unlike the tangible, you can be whatever you want to be. I slowed down that imitation of life once I bred. “I always thought it would be better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody.” And a real nobody is what I am.

When the happenstance chance of crossing paths with a heavenly body that finds a grain of salt interest in you occurs, it’s one of the most significant highs I experience, and it lasts for days, sometimes weeks into months. During that time, I become so sick of my lack of self-control. And then it’s time for me yet again to open my mouth wide for the curb kicking that I deserve. I can imagine a million and one things I’d do with you, but the only one imagining it is me.

So I put it away.
No one will miss me when I’m gone.
Time for a re-set.
Until “Frailty” is no longer my name.

In the end, it’s perfect for me. How else am I going to gain control of my mixed feelings?