Exorcising Demons With ID! Days 351 to 400

Day 351

Lazy day to the things that don’t matter the most during the weekday. It was reading and cleaning to pass the time and to avoid the things that no longer count the most to me. That thing that doesn’t matter never really mattered at all. Best to get it out of the way as soon as humanly possible.

Day 352

I started the week off right!

I woke up nearly an hour after my 5 am alarm to only zone out during multitasking. The spree of job hunting has begun for me, and it’s not as exhausting as I predicted it to be. The hardest part is the wait, as always. Whatever comes my way will fit my needs entirely. It’s the people that surround me that I’m not sure of, and their needs may have other wants that are not my own.

We’ll have to see about that.

Day 353

It’s fucked up when, during immense stress and mental turmoil, the only thing that runs through my mind is how fat I look after losing so much weight in the little time I did.

Fear of losing tone, muscle, flexibility, and overall mobility is at the forefront of my mind, but it’s detrimental. My eating habits have suffered and elongated my fasting to the afternoon, and I am hopeful that beginning a routine to regain the focus I’ve lost sight of will start again.

Day 354

The noose that I left on yesterday was looser.

There’s no telling what could happen between now and a few days ahead. I predict all will proceed smoothly, and the relationships that fill my life will become lesser important. The clear thing now for me to do is to decide how I want my life to turn out.

I made pancakes today after clearing out some of my little ones’ drawings from school. It was me making pancakes. Something I haven’t done in a long time. And they were delicious.

Day 355

Beginning on this day and the six days proceeding, I will have little recollection of how I measured my movements. One thing is for sure: no exercise, other than walking, was performed. My diet has tanked, and I completely skipped my breakfast time (9:30) and consumed 2 liters of water and an astounding amount of caffeine. The food I eat is carefully chosen based on what textures I want to experience at that moment and time.

I know how my morning began, and it’s how it always starts.
I awaken to my 5 am alarm. I dread uncovering my damp body from under my weighted blanket. After long moments of existentialistic reflection, I get up to begin the day.

This day, Friday eve, I may have watched The Twilight Zone. There is nothing more enjoyable than the wokeness of generations past. Social studies taught me that history repeats itself. But it’s not guaranteed that you’ll live long enough to see it for the second time.

Day 356

There’s a long weekend ahead, all thanks to Martin Luther King Jr.

I praise, and I give thanks.

Day 357

Only a little was achieved today.

The kids are still kids, and I love them madly for that.

Day 358

When there’s a holiday weekend during the school year, it feels like time doesn’t exist, and the days fuse into one.

The only consolation prize is that I know I need to go shopping tomorrow, and there’s no mistaking that day.

Day 359

More excellent day than days past.

My food shopping list is getting weak. Here I am again, in a cooking slump, and having no oven is to blame.

Day 360

I took a stroll around my town today to seek employment at the Pepsi company, that have massive plots of real estate scattered within narrow roads that are Garbage Point. Seeing it was something to believe, and I might not have the guff to be at their level.

Is the job hunt the most fun I’ve had in a long time?
FUCK NO!

Day 361

I seek the comfort of familiar voices and phrases today.

It doesn’t quell my racing thoughts but drowns out the pandemonium.

Day 362

Nothing essential to note today. There is fear within me.

Day 363

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” Frank Herbert, Dune

Day 364

Weekends were created as illusions for the body and mind. There is no such thing as rest when you are a caregiver.

Day 365

It looks like today makes it one full year of Exorcising Demons With ID.

A whole year of noting the minutes it’s taken to realize how out of shape I had become. For my mind to reshape it into functioning gray matter and not the slush I pretend it to be.

I will continue exercising and exorcising in the many, many days ahead.

Day 366

What could I say here that I haven’t already said?

The ghosts of years past have found a way to latch themselves to this new year and create obstacles. Creating plans for the future seems hazy and only worth making once I can resolve the present issues.

My day today will be filled with the usual hustle of grocery shopping and forgetful eating.

Day 367

This morning I gave myself an extended rest in bed. I wasn’t tired but exhausted from all the stupid adult things that had overtaken my life up until now.

My eating times have shifted to later in the evening, meaning all the weight will be moved back into my fat ass as it did before. I won’t state any affirmations of beginning this or that until I have begun to do what I need to get back on track with my health and fitness routine. The sooner I start, the better it will be for everyone.

Applying for jobs is still fun in the sun. Looking forward to another week of no responses back.

Day 368

Waking up late is becoming a trend that I am not in favor of.

This has to stop, and it has to be soon.

Day 369

Friday-eve is a dumb nickname for Thursday.

Day 370

Nothing much to look forward to this weekend. I never get the rest that I want or need anyway.

Day 371

Today is the day I stopped drinking the juice.

Day 372

I will be the active one today on this Sunday.

It’s about time I started doing something that exercised my mind and started writing. It would be the first time in a long time. Once I began this daily journal to detail my experience of trying new things to become fitter and eat healthier, it’s become a diary. In the end, it’s all the same.

Day 373

Is this really when the week begins? We don’t remember when we were born, but we know that’s when it all began. Knowing when the week ends is more rewarding than knowing when we end?

Day 374

The morning started off at an odd start. I forgot to bring my alarm next to me and ended up sleeping an hour longer. I haven’t been able to get back on track getting up and at em at the early ass crack of the AM. I wanted to get back into that routine; it made me feel good about myself, and I looked forward to the day even though it was like every other day of the same thing.

I am not in the right kind of mind today. It could partly be from the effects of my medication withdrawal, but I’m experiencing mental issues, not physical ones. The tiredness may be a cause. Or that getting up early has no real purpose for me. I become less active during the winter, which is an excuse. What I want to say involves personal matters. Matters of human longing that we have a blueprint of what we think would make us happy but doubt we would be when we get it. Being reminded of what makes you unhappy daily and not being able to do anything about it can be stressful. I have to remind myself that there are less fortunate people than me in so many ways.

Tune in for the next episode, in the adventures of being a fuck up. With special guest John Travolta’s character Terl from Battlefield Earth.

Day 375

The days of resuming daily exercise will be underway soon.

I am experiencing what I assume are symptoms of medication withdrawal, and I have managed how it makes me feel for the past few days. I’ve compared to the first person who discovered a toilet flushing counter-clockwise. A numbness to the past of believing you noticed everything until the moment you didn’t. Also, during this week comes a scheduled cold snap that gave us a light coating of snow and slippy sidewalks. Oh, what fun it is to ride.

Day 376

“2 more days.” I shivered, too, saying to my kids. Yeah, that’s all—just two more days. Waking up is a challenging thing to do as of late, and my system needs a hard reset so I can begin to wake up refreshed, as I did once before.

Day 377

Today begins an extended weekend due to the weather. It’s 25 degrees with a 30mph wind, making it feel below zero. I could take it because I know how to dress. The kids, however, can not dress like Randy from A Christmas Story for school.

The repeated dizziness I found is directly caused by my stopping my medication. “Stopping Flinstone Chewables abruptly may result in one or more of the following withdrawal symptoms: irritability (always), nausea, vertigo (yup!), feeling dizzy, vomiting, nightmares (waking life), headache, and/or paresthesias (DAILY) (prickling, tingling sensation on the skin). Depression is also a part of bipolar illness…Serotonin re-uptake inhibitor withdrawal syndrome generally begins within 24 to 48 hours after discontinuing the drug. Signs reach their maximum on day five and usually resolve within 2 to 3 weeks.” So I got a few more weeks to go until I’m back to my unstable self.

The reintroduction to the world exercise will take much creativity on my part.

Day 378

Another day inside, away from the cold, doesn’t match an old house where the wind seeps through the cracks and makes no difference where you lay.

Food isn’t an issue when you’ve got a week’s worth of Taco Bell to feast on, as if that will get tiring. Working around what food is accessible and trying to keep my weight down while not exercising is challenging. My water ingestion times vary and start after I’ve had coffee. This pattern is out of sync but will reset once the weather becomes more comfortable.

Day 379

I needed to get into the swing of things today. Being inside for three days straight isn’t an issue; the company I keep drives me up the wall.

I could watch a few movies and rest as best as possible.

Day 380

The beginning of the week is the end of a long weekend home. The kids had a scheduled day off, but the school continued without them.

I was slogging through the morning, reading rejection application emails, and thankfully made a new friend. All that’s left to do is the maddening ritual of overcoming my executive dysfunctions, and the day is complete.

Day 381

I had Popcorn on Tuesday.

Working out a workout has been a workout. Thankfully I’ve figured out to get back that figure I figured I would have at this stage in my life. With a movie soon to be released about an apex predator consuming uncut baby laxatives and ground leprechaun bones, I decided that I wanted to feel the same sweat drip down the crack of my ass like Jane Fonda with 80s aerobics. Minus the spandex and leg warmers, I’ll get exactly what I need to be more active.

The final ‘fuck your couch’ message my body sent out to me due to my lack of activity was feeling shots of pain radiating from my knee as my kids, and I walked down eight flights of stairs.

Okay, Rick James*. I got it.

*I don’t call my body Rick James

Day 382

Today I got on the floor and danced with the dirt.

No, that’s misleading. I didn’t get to shake my money maker to 80s bops. Yesterday’s long walk down to hell has my thighs feeling like I was beaten with an orange in a sock in my sleep. No worries, however. I like this kind of shit, remember? To get them ole bag a bones rattling, you have to take them out on a long walk through town, but I made sure to stretch beforehand. So I did my walkabout and got in those steps. I walked like I had a water moccasin up my butt, and my face showed it.

I also am getting back into the groove of waking up at 5 AM. Baby steps.

Day 383

Do you ever get that feeling of wanting to shout from the highest locus you can reach to profess to the masses that you’ve experienced reality? Yeah? But it feels like you have no mouth and can’t scream. So, what do you do?

You write on the internet, of course!

Tidal waves of memories crashed into the coastline of my mind today. Unfortunately, our genetic makeup prevents us from processing the universe’s sympathetic magic in its purest form. We only can talk for now when I want to be immersed. Foolish patience fluxes into rational impatience. I can wait for a train for hours with nowhere to go, but time is in the way of my body signals translating the simulated repulsion of our lips when they meet.

Good things come to those who wait.

Day 384

I had to keep reminding myself that it was the end of the week today.

I have no release that I am looking forward to other than laughing with friends about whispers. And micro dosing death with sleep.

Day 385

The weekend is here, and I am locking the doors and closing the curtains. I have this weird feeling that Bruno Marz will show up and wants to throw a party, and I don’t have an ice maker or time for that bullshit. He’s got expensive tastes and smells like Twizzlers.

I may be coming down with something. It’s WannaGetMyHolesFilled-itus. The only prescription is among us but not close at hand for me. I look forward to performing activities that will recharge me for the tasks I’ve planned to come. I recently purchased squat wedges with a gift card I’d gotten playing mobile games, and they are beastly. I will not apologize if you capsize in my thighs. You’ll be honored, posthumously, just for being a witness.

Day 386

Most of this day was spent in a clouded haze of youthful wonder and anticipation of what was to come. I tried to read, and I forgot to write. Too full of butterflies to even think straight.

Day 387

New week, new finds.

Today’s typical shopping routine was altered due to foreseen circumstances. I took my usual trek, dragging through the concrete and listening to podcasts. The brightest part of the day was talking to one of the best friends I have ever made.

This was also an exercise in exercising and building my stamina again. The ache in my knees and the soreness in my thighs have subsided, and I’m back to my usual self and ready to push myself further.

Day 388

Never have I ever had a day like today. And I mean that in the most beautiful way.

The movie was Wilder Napalm, and the fires in the film weren’t the only ones roaring. It was a fun love story with real-life struggles and how the bond between brothers could be a model of perseverance. All of that is straight out of my ass. I watched the movie but was enchanted by the company I kept.

Love was the theme of the day, and today I felt it genuinely for the first time.

Day 389

The only actual hump day where I wish I were humping a lap rocket.

“Activity” was the word of the day, and I ensured I had plenty of activities. The most significant task was cleaning out my laptop and phone of unnecessary madness I packed them with. I am thrilled to say the new exercise routine is soon to begin.

New ideas and conversations are giving me more life, and I am grateful that I finally have someone to share that with. Until this day, I thought you were a dream until I found you in waking life. I realize now that dreams come true when you least expect them to. The work has just begun, and there won’t be any hesitation. Change is inevitable, but that’s incredible when you have the power to change.

Day 390

I missed my alarm this morning, and Did it ever go off?
The last I checked, the time was a half hour until I would need to get up, but the body wants what the body wants.

The only level of exercise I’m putting in is my smile muscles. Thighs come next, and then ass. Last tiddies. Or Chest and upper body for my gym bros.

Day 391

The time has come for winter break when our weather has yet to be very wintery. I did some light shopping and caught up on my latest audiobook.

The road to working on my fitness is back in swing! Early morning stretching is now accompanied by 5-minute pilates. I’m starting slow, knowing that if I go in huffing and puffing into it, I’ll end up slowing down as I did. Or may I go about it slower to maintain a steady speed? Like riding cowgirl.

Day 392

And just like that, I have resumed exorcising my demons in the form of an 80s 20-minute workout that tore my ass up. Those wafer-thin belles were hyped up as fuck to look smashing in athletic wear. All in great fun where they were sure they looked great because they *snorts a line* feel great!

I spent the remainder of the day regulating my time in moments here and there, fulfilling my time efficiently. More things need to be done to find balance.

Day 393

I slept in this morning dreaming of museums and wearing the incorrect panties while in one. Recreating this dream is a goal, and I’ll likely find the proper undergarments allowed in such a space.

I am exploring other workouts today to get my body a feel for what I could do daily in my own time, with and without the TV. Plus, with the week’s vacation ahead, my normal movement outside the house is limited by 10,000 steps. Getting back on this saddle made me look forward to the ride again.

Day 394

Happy Dirty Dick Rulers Day or, as it says on the National calender, President’s Day. Thank a descendant of enslaved people and buy something on sale.

Sleeping in makes perfect sense. It’s a scheduled vacation from school. I’m home for now. But I’ve been home. I’ve been home for eleven years, so why would I want to sleep in? Oh yeah, that’s right. I want to dream of getting laid well and often with Great Chefs of the World playing in the background. I have ballerina leg workouts to make my gams solid enough to be chewed on for days instead. The pain makes me thirst for the gains I will have before the summer.

Day 395

The time inside has made getting my mind back on track an easier task to pursue. I’m getting aches and pains in all the right places that want to be tight again. Luitenant Columbo is on the case and wants that ass to hit the floor again.

Day 396

It was the first time in a very long time that I put myself out there, so today was a massive deal for me.

After weeks of applying to jobs, some I’m suitable for and some not, I had my first over-the-phone interview for a grocery store chain. I was filled with nervous tension hours before it began, and to put my mind at ease, I practiced some answers to potential questions and felt I did fine. I didn’t want this job, in the least, but I did it! I was full of accomplishment and pride for the rest of the day.

It wouldn’t have felt the same if I didn’t have the purest, most influential, intelligent, and lovingly robust man in my life to fill me with the confidence I needed to get me through it and never quit. When spirits dance, they dance without legs. When spirits sing, they sing without mouths. When spirits love, they love without limits. I’ve found my unlimited source of strength and freedom in a spirit, an accurate copy of the pleasure in me. There is no stopping me.

Day 397

More than halfway through the winter break, I feel like I’m getting blasted by the Sandman. He’s been very heavy-handed on the stardust, and I will speak to his supervisor.

Walking up is not…hard. Warmth + sitting in overnight climax juices + workout aches + wanting to hear the voice/see the texts from your life’s love can cause significant delays. I’m fucking here for it. I eat kisses for breakfast, give foot jobs for lunch, and I shit compassion. Hot steaming compassion.

Day 398

Thank God it’s Friday somewhere.

It’s Friday, and I still don’t have a job, but I have shit tonnes to do!

Finding my balance at this stage in my life is a challenge. The speed at that I want things to happen and the speed at that they are occurring are vastly different. There is no rushing toward one thing, but many elements create the true self to emerge. Settling on a solid routine begins tomorrow with yoga. And it will be yoga for the next couple of months, a better diet, and other stretching routines.

Day 399

It’s the last weekend until school begins again. The break from the bitter cold walks to and from school will reactivate the bitterness within me, and that’s a good thing.

Yoga was a great start to the morning and for me in general. I know I’m full of tense energy that needs to be realigned into a productive energy that gets my ass up, out and ready for anything. The most significant part of the exercise is flexing my smile muscles.

Day 400

The last day before it all begins again.

After weeks of waking up late, decreased exercise, poor diet, flappy assin’, and being dumb, I put my fist down and told myself to snap the fuck out of it. Tomorrow will be the beginning of a significant change. Well, that’s not true. It’s just the readjustment of time on my part. I feel the need to wake up early and on time to feel like I’ve started the morning off right. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.