Exorcising Demons With ID! Days 451 to 500

Day 451

This morning began a little funky.

I admit I had a full bladder and didn’t want to get up an hour before my alarm. Tossing and turning and trying to stay warm or cool was a pain in the ass. When the clock finally struck 5, I was up like a bat out of hell. A feeling came over me. I was cold, but the room was not, and I began to shiver as I started my exercises. After a few moments, it passed. I couldn’t help but think this is what waking up to purposeless dread feels like. I wouldn’t doubt that it is. After getting dressed and washed up, I applied for more jobs. The work I need to put in has to increase for my goals to come to fruition. This mindset of hoping one day it will fall into my lap without effort has to change.

I want to see my fucking boyfriend! For many, many reasons.

Day 452

Another day, another reason to be thankful.

The 7th year is here! And nothing else is essential to be done today, but have it be a good one for my growing boy.

The exercise was sweaty, and a morning chat with my love was excellent, with the good news of progress and reflection of the past days. I sat down and made the time to apply to more jobs, as a task that is so daunting that I cannot wait until that ship arrives. It could be any day, at any time, and I’ll be ready.

Day 453

Today is the last school day of the week, and with tomorrow a religious holiday, I can do whatever my heart desires tonight without suffering the consequences of waking up late with a purpose.

I feel supercharged after a short HIIT workout, and the sweat flow woke me up; wishing time moved a fraction slower. I did get a slow start getting ready afterward, but it allowed me to indulge in the shit that did not help the process. Movies were rented, another Godzilla movie is set to release, listening to Lovecraft Country, thinking positive thoughts about my bae, and excited to record tonight with David and Gary. Unfortunately, the movie is The Sweetest Thing, where Cameron Diaz is the only character I relate with because she fucking has my name. I knew this and swiftly forgot it. I’m always taking one for the team. I have to watch this before tonight’s recording, and I’ll get it done for once.

Another point of no return on my word is to begin writing something for TV. I want to make it my goal before the end of the year to have something tangible rather than wishing for something better when everything I watch is not up to par with the genre it’s associated with. It’s encouraging and frustrating at the same time.

Day 454

The three-day weekend began, and yesterday was long and entertaining.

I decided not to work out this morning and rest. Occasionally putting my glutes in shock is the issue, and soreness gets the best of me. I can fully operate, but I like the rest when I can get it.

Today was a relaxing day with the boys and the games they played.

Day 455

This is the first and only weekend where I got up an hour early on purpose to watch dated pornography.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

My heart wants many things, but I will always be the one whose circumstances will never be accepted and frowned upon because of what I am. It’s more challenging than removing an accessory; all is settled. I feel I’m being blamed, making me ashamed as a woman and mother. I am not free to be what other people want me to be. It’s a soul-crusher.

But who am I to complain? I’m the one with the dead-end, the poor-decision making life that no one understands why I live the way I do. I decided to have children with someone I did not want to have a long-term relationship with, and I got stuck! No one cares, though, only when they’re not fully minded. Other times when these feelings have stirred, I’ve ignored them. I am an emotional wreck who wants nothing to do with anyone.

Today isn’t a good day. I have to go about keeping busy with things that I let pretend to make me happy.

Day 456

Another day, another list of shit to deal with.

The only things I tackled today were applying for jobs and figuring out my workout routine. I have the time and got to get down if I want to be the hot body that’s peeking through the surface. The summer is near, and I’m not fucking around anymore.

Day 457

Today is the beginning of me adjusting my sleep schedule again to match my overall stamina and functionality as a human in this reality-driven simulation.

An extra hour to do that extra thing. It’s not only to have the time to myself but to become accustomed to the waking times I would need to adhere to once I’ve landed a job. I’m not thrilled about leaving my house during the early morning hours or the commute I’d have to be sharp during. I still have hope for the jackpot and all of the stress that follows it. The aim is to get anything that will make a significant difference.

As I’ve got the time now, shopping while reading is what Mondays are all about.

Day 458

The second day with 5 hours of sleep under my bags and getting up and at em was easy as pie.

With my routine totaling an estimated hour of work, I can’t see why I wouldn’t complete all I wanted to before it was time for school. My inability to not go on social media and zone out to that bullshit for even a minute needs adjusting. My late start contributed to my choosing a new book to listen to while performing cardio; my choice was somber, but nothing better than one of those pieces to put things in perspective.

Day 459

Today’s start was a good one. There was no sluggishness within me to start my routine, and I did get through them quickly.

The past few days have been a whirlwind of avoidable vibes. The struggle to accept things out of my and others’ control has frustrated me lately. I can count, on the one hand, so far, the helplessness I have felt with my inability to say kindly, “You need to fucking deal with it,” without starting an argument. I face my shit every day, like it or not, and I cannot complain about it or have it bring me down. I have a clear goal in this life and am set on achieving it with or without you.

Day 460

Over the past few days, I have been experimenting with the recent generations form of high-concentration forms of bottled consciousness. It is nothing to fuck with. Although it would be best utilized in situations where I’d be on my feet burning that energy off or have to sacrifice sleep to complete a task, not to be used to drink and pass the time. You feel like your brain wants to escape its safe space and do cocaine from an old lady’s tits in The Villages. I drank water for the remainder of the day and now know better.

The day was good; I saw my love in 480p and watched a Canadian movie about a loan shark from the 70s. There were elements in it that could have blended well if it were an American film, but it was perfect just as it was. The story was good and had a few very comical scenes.

I’m considering changing my routine once again since I’ve been waking up an hour earlier than I am used to, squeezing in an hour of work I don’t need to do. I am continuously improving.

Day 461

Busy day today. I decided to do some light shopping and ensure there was something ready to eat for today and part of the weekend. I get my steps in, and I can’t complain.

I caught up with a few podcasts and heard my first AI podcast that my boyfriend introduced. It’s beyond weird but very entertaining. And to continue the trend of podcasts, I will be recording tonight with Gary, David, and Kat; always a fun time.

I will skip the hyperbolic stretching routine for another time. Cardio daily, along with squats to further tone my legs, is what I need to begin before summer. My waist is getting where it should be, and my legs must catch up. Never a dull fucking moment in the story of me.

Day 462

Saturdays are funny. Sometimes I look forward to them, and other times I’d wish they were the way it was when I was young. As a mother, that sense of freedom and relief is nonexistent. Things you couldn’t do during the week are done on the weekend, like sleep, and I can’t even get that because I have people to care for.

Nothing much is being done today other than wishing I was doing something else.

Day 463

Today the rain came by for a visit and rested its tired feet at our place. I wasn’t ready; my hair and face were a mess, and I had to quickly get ready before I could be presentable for our guest. Thankfully they couldn’t stay very long, but the mess they made! We’ll be cleaning this up for days to come!

Yes, I had another flood. It was better than the last time but not fun. The most brutal hit was at the entry point and the adjacent room. Only a little could be done until the morning when it all stopped. Fortunately, this could be cleaned up faster with less to dispose of. Puts it all into perspective.

Day 464

Soggy bottom, girl!

The only thing I am bummed out about is not working out this morning. My floor exercises are all standing, but when the carpet is soggier than a baby’s diaper, sweat gets mixed in with anxiety, making the situation heated. I don’t want to get angry while doing cardio; I would never cool down. In the meantime, I can begin my squat challenges to get these glutes in line.

Day 465

More of the same as it is with every day that passes, I am bombarded with reminders of what a failure I am.

Sleep was difficult to slip into last night. The aftermath concerning the clean-up and the humidity that now rests in the house’s air to speed the drying process hits you in the face with unpleasant odors upon entering through the doors. After explaining this situation to my boyfriend, he’s disgusted about why I would live this way, and with kids, no less. Again, more of the same. Today I am filled with regret for many things. Joy is fleeting and artificial unless it is blissful and ignorant. I haven’t figured out how to tell him that he’s upsetting me without getting myself into hysterics. I’ll stay quiet for now.

I did a workout today with sneakers on! I needed to engage in any movement to keep my mind off the things my other senses couldn’t ignore.

I often find myself deaf to the compliments that I am showered in. He loves me, my mind, and what I make of it. He wants to protect me because he knows that within my strength is a fragility of self and ability. I am shy and afraid, and I am sensitive and brute. Surrounding myself with positivity is not as accessible as I thought.

My thoughts took me to where I knew I was not welcome
but travel toward when I have nowhere else to go. I get beaten down and stripped apart of all the things people admire in me until I give in. We spoke today, and although I was hesitant to answer, that was the part of me that wanted to destroy that path toward him, the light I need. He’s sympathetic and concerned. He’s with me on this journey. I need to remember.

Day 466

My time spent today was mainly on not napping in the afternoon.

The water is beginning to subside. Vacuuming what can’t dry on its own will continue for another week, and all we can do is grin and bear it.

I’ve gone back to waking up at 5 am for now. The added hour I gave myself the previous week didn’t help my conscious functioning during the hours I needed to be the most active and alert. Besides, I have gotten used to doing all my workouts standing and can’t enjoy floor routines without fearing critters. The fact that the carpet is partially wet enhances that dread even more. It’s being done, and that’s what matters.

Day 467

More of the same bullshit today.

I call it a good day if things are good, and it doesn’t set in until the evening when I can’t escape from my reality. I mumbled, “God isn’t real, and he doesn’t give a shit about us.” The heavy smell of sitting water and mold settling in whatever it touched on Sunday spun around me. “I want to leave. I don’t want to be here anymore.” passed my lips, and I said with sadness. I don’t want my kids to live like this anymore because there’s something wrong with their father. There was also something wrong with me for staying. I don’t have anywhere else to go or the means to escape.

It’s all trivial.

I spoke to them today; what bothered them was wayward and stifled by what they weren’t saying. I am also like this, but I don’t make it obvious. We talked about artificial intelligence, and I could hear the fear and excitement in their voice. Our conversation ended abruptly for several reasons, but I couldn’t help but feel dejected and not being their salvation of hope, even just for a moment.

The evening felt forced, and I couldn’t focus on anything. I requested a movie recommendation, Mutant Hunt from 1987, which was short, with bad acting and decent FX. I got the distraction I needed. The laugh I needed. I went to bed early.

Day 468

The usual end-of-the-week dread I have isn’t any different today.

I went on a light shopping excursion and got what was needed to survive the weekend. Later in the evening, it was brought to my attention that purse dirt would be home. Let’s see how that goes.

Day 469

I can never get the much-needed rest needed to not feel like shit on the weekends. But the real issue is my body and what it wants to do, and that’s to be outside. I will fulfill that need when I land a job, anywhere at this point. For now, I’ll wake up at 3 am to watch pornography. The title that Cathode played this weekend was Corruption, and it was so Lynchian that it’s become one of my favorite films. Afterward, while trying to go back to sleep, I got my usual painful dehydration headache that took hours to go away.

I took this pain out on my children in the only way that satisfied me: taking over the TV and refusing to watch another second of Garfield. We watched Dante’s Peak, a personal favorite of mine, and two and a half of the new Star Trek movies. The usual shuffling around and finding things to do were performed since purse dirt did stay home and be the lump of shit they usually are.

I confessed today that I am perpetually an angry person. After making that statement, I ruled it to be a very accurate property of my personality. I have things to say that can be very cutting, and I have no time for people who think their shit doesn’t stink—nothing to note directly to these thoughts, just a fact.

Day 470

Praise be! I got the most sleep I have gotten in days today!

Some other treats like talking to My Love and chatting about what we like speaking about the most, my favorite thing on mornings like these. Our life goals align, and we both want the best for each other in more ways than one. He makes me laugh and gives me hope!

I am getting ready for another week of the usual routine. Applying to jobs has become second nature, with the hope that someone will reach out to me and be the change that I so desperately need in my life right now. My path hasn’t faltered; when I know there will be several challenges ahead when that time does come, I will take what the fuck is mine and run!

Day 471

Monday Funday!

Early to rise and early to fall could be the theme of today.

Waking was simple, but easing into my workout had a few bumps.
I completed it all in a crazy sweaty mess while beginning a new audiobook, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, a novel I was curious to read. I loved the Sutherland/Adams/Goldlbum/Cartright version so much that I had to dive into the novelization. I know I won’t be disappointed.

I was alerted by an email for an unexpected interview for a position that was work-from-home; one I only realized was that once I reviewed the job listing again. It calls for me to input and translate data into systems I would do 100% from home. The interview process differed from what I had expected, which resulted in my obtaining the position. I am a Remote Date Entry Specialist/Administrator for an IT company based out of state. I am elated and cannot believe the absolute luck of it all. I aimed to work from home while enhancing skills and learning new ones.

Now I need to hone my focus on how I’ll get myself situated as a full-time remote worker.

Day 472

Well, shit.

It was a fucking scam. A scam. I could not have been more disheartened at this realization that came to me minutes after writing yesterday’s passage. I wrote an email to the real company, as if they give a shit, and went on with the rest of my night, deflated. It added to the pain I was having in my abdomen caused by either having a full bladder or heavy lifting. I’ve moved on and have continued to apply for work as if my heart is still in it.

I had the best distraction from that ordeal and watched Tom Brady’s AI stand-up show with My Love. It was bizarrely hysterical and unnerving in the highest regard to him ever coming out with a comedic dialogue that would be unmatched by this simulated performance. It’s only going to get devastatingly worse. The only thing we can do is let it happen. It’s what we wanted, after all.

It’s too easy.

Day 473

Today is stacked up to be an average day, productively.

I got up to make my body cry and chose violence by watching the Scream movies as if my life depended on it. With the announcement that a 7th one was coming out, I thought, why not put myself through more emotional pain and watch how shit is made. At the end of the night, I gave myself a headache from how much I rolled my eyes for 6 hours straight.

Aside from the visual horror I’ve induced, a tea that is meant to detoxify my foul insides made me God’s star shitter that he purposefully makes himself invisible to watch me question human consciousness. I’ll scale that routine back and take it on a need-to basis.

Day 474

Awakening in the middle of the night to take an aspirin isn’t a good sign.

My eyes felt heavy and thick with fatigue that almost resulted in me not working out. I exercised anyway; still feel like shit, though. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I took a short trip to the market to get some unessential items and to indulge in “Eat Whatever You Want Day”, or what I call every day since I’m a fucking adult. I’m sure the treat I purchased will taste gross and I will regret everything about it.

I will continue to watch the remaining Scream movies today and tomorrow. Pray for me.

Day 475

‘Tis the season, and the probability that my allergies are bothering me is very likely when it feels like I’ve been given a mucus facial. I didn’t even have the energy to exercise, vaguely promising myself that I’d do it tomorrow to make up for lost gains.

I took a long walk today and got the grossest food to burn off while I ran on mental autopilot. It’s good to be reminded that today’s energy drinks are truly the garbage it is meant to be, and the unsettling tingling that I felt on my skin was a sign that I can no longer play young people’s games. I’ll stick to my supplemented coffee and liters of water to get me through the day.

Finally finished with the Scream movie series, and I cannot believe the audacity. There is going to be a 7th coming out, and I wish I didn’t want to see it for its pure absurdity. My weekend will consist of me watching better movies, and trying to forget that horror.

Day 476

Mother’s Day Eve!

Only have little to say about today. I couldn’t rest as well as I wanted because it was visiting day. I was called out for my mannerisms being uninviting when I was feeling the same from yesterday. Allergies disguise themselves to look like vexation, but I was vexed about the way I was feeling after doing so much to not feel that way. The day was powered through, and everyone came out unscathed.

Even though this won’t be a tradition in the future, I had a little movie night with the kids. I had them all to myself for hours and got to watch whatever I wanted that wasn’t ‘Garfield-related’. First, it was Snoozefest Pray For The Devil, then Black Friday – retail hell scenario, and lastly, Demons or Demoni, picked by the kids. I didn’t realize until later they were all demonic possession related.

The evening would have been much different if my date with my boyfriend wasn’t canceled due to fatigue. I would have enjoyed a night of Europe’s musical artists competing on stage to win this year’s title. We’ll see it tomorrow, so no big deal.

Day 477

For the past few weekends, I have begun to hear the rodents that temporarily live in our ceiling scurry around and communicate, making me angrier by the day. My sons deserve so much better than this.

I had a dream that I vaguely remember that’s worth mentioning. I was attending a school of some sort; it was a film school because when I went inside, I and someone I knew gathered in what looked like a theater. The movie that played was one I did see before, but it was redubbed and now dramatic rather than comedic. I don’t remember this for sure, but I thought it was odd, even in the dream. The aisles were obscenely steep, and once exiting, I had to go back to my seat to get the coat I didn’t remember wearing but was there to retrieve. The remainder of the dream began to feed me what I thought were winning lottery numbers when they were basic as fuck and had no hold on me whatsoever.

I woke up often during the morning, only to lie in bed until I knew he wasn’t home anymore. I have no plans to go outside since every Mother’s Day is just me doing the same things I do every other day without special treatment. I’ve got some pots to replant and a very slow movie to finish. It’s something.

Day 478

Yesterday hit me harder than I thought it would.

After watching the movies I intended to view and 2023’s Eurovision performances, the evening left me wrecked with the already-known lack of respect I have as a woman and a mother. My children’s donor is a bad influence on them and my timidity to speak up in his presence left me saddened beyond reconciling. I cried myself to sleep and woke up in tears. My heart was broken because my firstborn could not fully realize the importance of having me in his life.

To unabashedly state that I do “everything” for him sounds snotty, but it is absolute. I told him how this hurt me and that their donor cannot teach you compassion because he never experienced that act in its purest form. He did make sure to give his bitch of a mother a card signed by the children, whom she is not allowed to see. But not me. It wasn’t even presented in her hands but on a table at the end of the day. When I received nothing, not even those 3 words. I know I shouldn’t take days like these to heart, but a day to remind you shouldn’t leave you feeling like shit when there are there to be appreciated. Those moments cannot be celebrated when you’re gone.

The confrontation had to be made on the way to school and it was emotional. He told me he was sorry and I forgave him. Later on, I was given words of support and knowledge that I have worth by a man who loves me, truly loves me, and cares about my emotional well-being. Tomorrow is another day to fight for the freedom and respect I deserve.

Day 479

Nothing special to mention about today. Flat as my chest once was.

I didn’t exercise this morning. I was partly in an allergy hase and also, my beloved called me and took that time away from me. I’m not at all upset because I compensated by walking longer than I had anticipated this morning. I did not eat very well, considering yesterday’s food soured my stomach unintentionally.

Tomorrow is another day to make the necessary corrections.

Day 480

My morning began like the ones that have preceded it. The only noticeable difference were my swollen gums. At first it felt as if they were cut or scraped off by something I ate, but I didn’t eat anything crunchy before going to bed. Just a piece of cake. It subsided and I was able to focus on my exercise routine. Then came the contemplation of what needed to be done for the day.

I spared myself the task of going shopping again for the 3rd day in a row and got to do some cleaning and clearing away of clothes that no longer fit the kids and obsolete toys. I got a gift from my friend Gary for Mother’s Day, a Buffy the Vampire Slayer-inspired journal that is to die for. It brought back so many memories of my obsession with the show and the books based on it. I am so grateful for such caring friends.

Admittedly, I did suffer from a little bit of mania today due to all the tasks I am now able to do with the changing of the weather. It’s uncomfortable, and I have no way of stopping it. It’s the never-ending cycle of chores that I put upon myself in order to maintain our living space, considering the circumstances. There is only so much that I can do with what little I have, mentally and financially. I can’t have fun, and it’s showing.

Day 481

Only have a little to say about today. I thought I gave myself a break from the marathon walking I choose to do this week, but apparently, that was a fever dream.

I want to slow down more and focus on more important things that I want to achieve. Some of those things require silence, time, and privacy. Those things are non-existent and aren’t possible to have all at the same time.

The job search has yet to go stale. It’s just slowed down for the moment. I am getting some responses back from jobs I applied to some time ago, so that’s something.

Tomorrow will be a day dedicated to doing some part of the above-mentioned.

Day 482

No exercise was done today.

I have worked so much this week that I took my time doing everything slower than usual this morning. I could have done something, but I did not want to. Just tired, that’s all.

The afternoon echoed the feeling because I took a long nap while The Ninth Gate played. It was perfectly timed until I had to get up and go. The evening involved much of the same. After feeding the kids and eating my final meal of the day, I began my Fast and Furious movie franchise watch party. It’s been years since I’ve seen the first one. The insane stunts, family, and hearing Paul Walker say “cuz” was worth the rewatch. What gave me the push to watch them again were posts I saw that jokingly mocked Paul’s death as a gag he would tell people down to the date of it happening. I assume these were made to promote the newest movie, Fast X. It got my attention, and me watching them, so mission accomplished.

Day 483

I got up earlier than I usually would this morning with the idea of exercising, but I changed my mind when the stinging in my eyes made me reconsider it. I got my required water intake, made coffee, and played games.

The weather outside is gloomy; the only time of the week it will be this way. I plan to watch three more Fast and Furious movies today and drink all the water I can stand while hoping my detox tea does what it needs to do.

Day 484

Nothing to write about other than I successfully completed the film series I set out to watch for some time. A lot of time was invested into a series that once began with the theft of DVD players that upgraded to international terrorism. They even make fun of themselves at some point, which gives the characters room to improve until they’ve outstayed their welcome. The 10th will be viewed once the extended DVD version is released.

All I need to do for the remainder of the day is get ready for tomorrow.

Day 485

Ready for the week and a new book to go with my exercise time in the early morning. It was good and sweaty, as usual. I feel good doing these and know I can keep them up in the future in the event my schedule changes for any reason.

To add to my activity, today is shopping day, and I am at a loss for what to buy to prepare to eat. I always get this way because I don’t care about what I eat; I have to tend to the two kids and the man-child. Living alone, or at least with only my kids, seems to be a great idea nowadays

Day 486

I skipped the workout this morning. It was difficult baring being conscious that I thought any heart-pumping physical activity would cause me to go into shock. I did my regular tasks slowly and painfully. I am not in a great mood.

Day 487

Did not wake up in the mood to exercise. I knew what I had to do in the day ahead, so why double down and put unnecessary strain on my joints? My diet is not better or getting worse, but my veggie intake needs adjusting.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll get back into it, being no obligation at all to do other than not to be a fat fucking pig.

Day 488

Looks like I did what I do best and sat on my ass and did nothing this morning. I attempted to make up what I didn’t do with an extra long walk in the morning after drop off, but that only did a little.

I will do something more productive tomorrow.

Day 489

I am beginning to make this a habit.

My aversion to working out has solely to do with my mind working things out. Creaturely seething within a murky darkness built on situational truth and the inability to come up with a less painful solution. I’m pretending I’ve never endured pain before, and each time I’m experiencing it, it’s as if it’s for the first time. I write so I’d never forget it and then forget what I write to tell the same story again but with once more with feeling.

Physically, I’m okay. It wouldn’t hurt to do some squats and eat more of better-for-me foods. Mentally, I am struggling. It’s Fuseli’s The Nightmare. Except the Incubus takes the shape of my Chromebook looping fabricated scenarios exported out of my mind performed by poorly made puppets set atop my thick thighs as I sit scrunched in my converted closet constituted out of mania, with eyes speculumed and the face of apathy, with my arms crossed.

I am taking longer walks. At least there’s that.

Day 490

Nothing but a longer rest done today to begin my 3-day weekend at home. I am noticing some changes in my shape and want to add my time on the stationary cycle to bring the size of my legs down to the rest of what my mind feels like is the body I want.

Continuation of the standing workouts will begin again soon. My time outside will be limited due to the coming summer days, and need to stay cool and mosquito bitten free.

Day 491

I couldn’t bring myself to do much of anything today other than re-heat leftovers, watch the annual parade pass by our home, and watch movies on Tubi. My diet is poor, but I am remaining hydrated.

Day 492

It’s a 3-day weekend for Memorial Day.

I took this time to rest because I have been emotionally exhausted as of late. I could have easily gotten up and done something, but I had this strange idea: I would get up at 5 AM, exercise, and then go for a long walk just to put in my lottery at 7 AM. When I woke up, I realized how insane that was because no stores would be open until 9 or 10 o’clock.

I am aware of what my goals are and my need to be active. At this moment and time, I have to stay focused on doing it right.

Day 493

I didn’t have much energy upon waking and didn’t bother the additional strain I was already planning to put on my body in my usual shopping run after the 3-day weekend food binge that cleared out the fridge and pantry.

I plan to do something tomorrow since I won’t be going out and about until later in the week when the weather is more inviting to be outside.

Day 494

A decision for a cool down as I reevaluate my approach to what I’ll be doing for the next month has come to pass. It will take extra work on my part and make it so I don’t get tired. I may be putting myself under unwanted time constrictions, but I am notorious for self-destructive behavior. The view I have of myself isn’t always favorable. So I punish my apathetic attitude and gluttonous shape to fit an economically feasible-sized coffin that will not be my choice.

Day 495

I hit play today, but I had a more important task to tend to.

A day taking almost 20,000 steps was the day I had no idea would come to be. It was productive and pleasant due to the weather and other non-weather-related factors.

Day 496

I almost had me.

Feeling I needed a few more minutes of sleep, I found the bit of energy I needed to get up and go at the light workouts I’d grown to like. I have been considering cycling once more when I know that will add more stress to my joints.

Moderate and meditate.

Day 497

The pain is real.

Ending the week with over 20,000 steps is something I like to continue from here on end. Now is the time to rest and recover from all the strain I put on my joints that were all from walking. I often forget that I have a number of tools that help with the muscle ache. Those are definitely going to be used today.

Day 498

I have come to see a clearer path now that I am getting more rest.

There will be long workouts on some days and other days shorter. I should have thought of this a long time ago. I wasn’t in my right mind. My diet needs to be fixed, so back to more of the same of what I did in the past. This is a good history to repeat itself.

Day 499

The final month of the academic school year, and it’s always a tense time.

The dread of not being able to financially do the things I would want to do with the kids, along with no transportation, makes me feel as trapped as I first felt moving into this house. With them older, I now feel more can be done in an easier way. I have to figure out how easy.

This morning wasn’t entirely easy. I had to choose between a long workout and a short workout. I picked the short one. I hoped to complete it when I returned home, but my need to write and rest came first.

Tomorrow will not be as busy as today. I’ll do three workouts as punishment to myself in general reasons to be punished. I’m meant to do the two planned and an added one for the day missed.

Day 500

Well, ain’t this some shit.

Five hundred days done. It wasn’t easy in the least, but my will to continue not to be a fat slob of a meat bag was part of my motivation to get this far. My preference for physical pain accounted for the strain I put on my body. Eating well enough still has a few kinks in it, but I don’t go overboard. I skimp on the full amount of water I should consume, but I get by my minimum intake to not feel like shit.

Some would say I did it for my love for myself and my kids, to be a good example of physical health, and hope that one day they’ll adopt similar habits in the future. I’m not going to fucking say that. I hate myself. From as far as the longest strand of hair on my head to the half-dead big toe nail that ripped off out of rot some years back. Exercise is my way to distract myself from the full knowledge that I am a useless loser, wringing myself dry each time, hoping every drop is my last. I want to leave a pretty corpse to burn in the cardboard box they find me in. As for my kids, they see how hard I work, giving them all the more reason to give all of it a hard pass. The only thing I hope they achieve is grip strength. They can’t open a bottle of water to save them from thirst.

The day went as planned; I did the long routine I decided not to do first. Laid my sweaty ass clothes up to dry, then came back home to put in another hour of maddening gyration while listening to more of Who Censored Roger Rabbit. My beasts of burden are my fat fucking thighs that have these ginormous elephant seal snouts that piss me the fuck off. The work needs to be done to get rid of them, and I won’t stop until I do. I want my legs to look like juicy wing flats by the time I get through with them. Even if it takes me 500 more goddamn days.